Upon rising this morning, I discovered I did not receive a phone call from my hubby in Iraq as he had hoped to fit in. This is always a disappointment, so I promptly roll out of bed to say good morning to favorite Auntie. I find said Auntie who is about to color her hair, and she asks me to read over a sample of a legal document. This document makes me think about my gram who's health is of course, not too steady. I start to wonder what it must feel like to know the end is so close, to know that 72 years of your life have essentially flown by. I would be scared of course, to realize that everything I am familiar with was about to end, and that I was heading into the unknown. Of course, for those of us who believe, we all know where we are really heading at the end, but does that make saying goodbye to a lifetime of loves and memories any easier? Those of us who are not there discuss and plot ways to help people who are, accept the situation and their fate. Is it possible for us to really grasp what that feeling is like? We have not been there, and we would have to live an entire lifetime to reach the same point. At the same time, in my Gram's case, she has already lost the love of her life when he was called to his true home, and has been virtually miserable and depressed ever since. There are moments of laughter, but as the end nears, they grow fewer and farther between. Most young people would simply say, "how sad". I on the other hand immediately think about my husband. Having found the one person who holds all my love and half my heart and will until the day I die, I suddenly grow fearful. What must that feel like? To have the only person in the world who essentially is your other half, and then be forced to say goodbye. I cannot fathom, and it makes my chest grow tight and my breath shorten and my eyes burn. I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain of losing my husband, and thinking about it seems to send me into a dark hole. Putting it out of my mind, I return to thinking of my Gram. She is plagued with the heart ache I so vehemently fear, on a constant basis. Her entire room and most of the house is covered in pictures and mementos. Even when her four year grand daughter asks (as four year olds) do, if she will marry her, Gram gets this look and says, I'm already married.
What do the rest of us say to that. When behavior and attitude turn hostile and angry all the time, even to the four year old who was previously the only person exempt from Gram's anger, what do the rest of us do? There are so many dilemmas I face in my own life, and coming here and seeing this one, and seeing the change in my Gram over just the last four weeks in Fallbrook, I grow evermore worried. Pausing to listen to breathing patterns is not normal. My heart aches for my aunt who has done this and wondered this way and tiptoed like this for so long. Longer than anyone else involved. It's impossible to fully know the things she has put up with. It makes me think about my own mother. I can never picture her this way. I love her too much. My heart achingly goes out to all my Aunties and my Mommy. (yes I call her mommy) The heart does not let go of a lifetime of love without a fight. In Gram's case, I understand the hesitation to let go and the depression at being alone without your soul mate, but if living life is truly that miserable, I would welcome my heavenly Father's arms and house willingly. I would cheer the day I was once again re-united with my spouse. And I would be forever grateful to the family members who made my lonesome moments that much more bearable. It's not supposed to be easy to lose someone, but it is supposed to be a joyful occasion when someone returns to their rightful place with God.
Like I said, contemplation hurts my brain...
