A Choice

It was one of those nights last night, where I laid next to my husband in bed and sobbed. Experiencing fertility issues has led me to think of our dog, Daya, as my baby. I remember the breeder handing her to me and when he did, I quit asking questions. I quit worrying about her breeding and her parents which is something people should never do when considering a pit bull as an addition to their family. I am a major advocate for the breed and have never met a truly dangerous one that was not a result of the owner and their horrid practices. Naivete is not becoming, and in saying that, I am fully aware that temperament issues are something you cannot train "out" of a dog. When my 'baby' was about four months old, I was told through the grapevine that the breeders had been forced to euthanize most of their pit bulls, they had been banned from ever breeding again, and in an unrelated matter, the mother to my puppy had been put to sleep for going after a child. These kinds of people are what are known as backyard breeders and they are always a dangerous choice when purchasing an animal that has the muscle and raw power that a pit bull does. If you were to google dogs most likely to bite, you will find several other breeds included in the statistics as "the most dangerous dogs". These include: Akita's, Alaskan Malamutes, Boxers, Bull mastiffs, Chow Chows, Doberman Pinschers, German Shepherds, Great Danes, Presa Canarios, Rottweilers, and Huskies. I once spoke with a cable installment man and he informed me that the breed that was most nasty and poorly behaved in his experience was the Golden Retriever. All of this dancing around the pit bull breed cannot change the choice in front of my husband and I. Our baby girl charged my husband's five year old several times yesterday while husband was at work and at one point smashed her face into our child's face, leaving a bruise on her cheek. She did not once open her mouth or attempt to bite, but the aggression was there and it was scary. My husband and I had a barbecue planned for that night, and when a friend walked through the house, one that was well known to Daya, had been at the house incredibly often, and walked through the living room, Daya bit him. She did not break the skin or draw blood, but she bit him well enough to cause a full grown soldier to cry out. About ten minutes after that, she bit our five year old and again, there was no broken skin or blood, and she didn't bite hard enough this time to even cause a tear to fall, but my stomach hit the floor all the same. The dog spent the rest of the evening kenneled, and my husband and I mulled the choice. By bed time we were pretty positive which choice we were going to make. Daya has been through obedience training and we even had a private trainer out to the house at one point to do a personality assessment. She advised us to socialize her more, but that became impossible without a muzzle. Even with a muzzle she still acts like she hates the rest of the world except 'mommy' and 'daddy'. I can't fix her personality. We have certainly tried. I wish to God I could be naive and selfish and say that we could fix this and we could train it out but it doesn't work that way. She has become more and more of a risk and it would indeed be selfish to force others and my husband's daughter around Daya simply because she is my surrogate baby and my heart is breaking. My husband and I have decided to put our precious girl to sleep after his daughter goes back to her mother. She is also very attached to Daya so it will be easier to do it while she is gone and then have her grieve when I am not. I am so very torn... Inside and out over this. My heart is breaking and I wish I could go back and be more responsible about shopping for a pit bull so that this situation would not exist. Word to the wise: you want a new dog? Put out the time and potentially the money to visit the animal several times first. Meet BOTH parents first, no excuses, research the bloodline to figure out if the breeders know where their dogs come from, ask for references from other previous buyers, make sure they are not backyard breeders looking for profit only. My vet once told me that good breeders only breed to advance the species. If the litters you are looking at come from dogs that may be temperamental, do not buy a puppy. All puppies will look cute and cuddly initially, but I can assure you, that may not always be true. I would give anything to go back and undo my irresponsible pet owner purchasing, and it would save me the heart shattering choices we face now.

Time Keeps on Ticking....

Yesterday was a good day for the most part. My husband is finally free to apply for other AGR positions, ones that might grant him the freedom to spend more time with his family. We have been counting down to that day for so long it seemed like we would never get here. Of course, we are almost positive his unit will squash any attempt to transfer... but the thought of this freedom is a little bit rejuvenating. He has put so much energy, time, blood, and sweat into serving his country and I could not be prouder!

(this photo was featured on the cover of Montana Magazine... amazing hubby I have!)

Today I sat through an interview for a job that I will most likely despise if I get it, and sometimes I think that it would be worth it to do what my husband calls "moving backwards" so that we can at least be happy with what we are doing with our lives. I honestly would rather live in an apartment than our current house, have no cable TV, never go out to eat, and remove all extras so that we could devote time to me finishing school, paying off debt, and getting to where we want to be stress free. 

Lately I have contemplated dropping out of school because as my emotions and mental capacity are stretched thin, my grades fall. My heart is no longer in this and I find myself wondering what I would even do with my Criminal Justice Forensic Psychology degree. I would adore working in law enforcement, but to do that I would have to loose weight. To loose weight I would need to quit smoking. It feels like too much. To work on the psychology side of things, I would need a masters and I can't even contemplate doing that because I can't fathom how I am going to make it through two more years of school. I can't seem to sit through homework because I tend to start applying for more jobs instead. My husband needs me to contribute financially but that mental worry is killing my mental focus on school. It's amazing the things that life drops on your plate. My mother always said that God never puts us in a situation He feels we cannot handle. Part of me thinks the way to handle this is not to figure out how to juggle it all at once, but to figure out how to NOT juggle it all and to streamline and trim the baggage from life. Time is the only way to tell... and perhaps some heart felt discussion with my husband about the future. All of this puts pressure on my physical conditions, and I fear that our inability to get finances figured out mean that I will never conceive the baby I so desperately have wanted for three years. Time.... how you torment me.

Expansion in an Expanded State

As most Montanans know, getting big name stores or exciting things in our cities is super fabulous. We jumped up and down when an Olive Garden opened an hour and a half east in Bozeman. My friend and I recently trekked to the two new stores in Helena and had an absolute blast! Ulta has opened here in Helena and it is essentially a massive hair, nail, make-up, perfume store. This place carries lines of hair supplies like Macadamia and perfumes like Coach, Versace, Juicy Couture, etc. All things that are not commonly found anywhere else. Annndddd... they have these really awesome and yet totally ridiculous lip thingys so you can get a sense of what lip color goes best with your skin tone. 

These little things are not even close to the coolest part of this place, BUT, I had to share as they are pretty fun! Ulta has opened right next door to Rue 21 and on the other side Shoe Carnival will be arriving soon. Our overly spread out state is expanding!

Hole in the Dining Room Wall

Progress is a beautiful thing... whether it be progress on my schoolwork, my exercise goals, or my marriage. Most noticeably it can be seen in my marriage. My husband and I had one of the best (and scariest) nights in our marriage this week and many issues came to the front of our arguments. I am not giving this as sound advice, or any kind of advice, but in my personal experience, I know my husband loves me because of the new hole in my dining room wall. When things came to an impasse, I decided I couldn't be married to someone who wouldn't put me first in anything. I packed a bag and walked to the door. My beautiful oaf of a husband had somehow determined I didn't have it in me to leave him and so I walked out the door and closed it, loaded my car, and called a friend to find a place to stay.

 When I came back a moment later, my beautiful husband was sitting on our couch and casually remarked he was going to have to fix the wall. As I noticed the drywall on his fist, I immediately burst into tears. It occurred to me that this fabulous idiot truly did love me to pieces. Jon is not an emotional person, does not show emotion hardly ever, and humor is his best defensive mechanism. That is how he was raised... his family subscribe in the worst possible way to the "if there is not a pool of blood at your feet, you better not shed a tear" mentality. I needed him to communicate his love for me in a way that was not natural to him and my frustration at him refusing to try led to this moment, where there was a hole in the wall, drywall on his swelling knuckles, and me sobbing at new realizations. This moment may seem crazy to some, but for the two of us it was one of the deepest and clearest breaths of air our marriage had ever taken. We were seeing each other on a new level. I realized he truly did love me and was desperate because he was not capable of showing it how I needed. He realized I needed him to try so badly that I was miserable enough to leave.

I would encourage each and every married person who finds themselves in a position to leave to look outside of themselves first. I have learned that I needed to stop asking myself what I wanted and needed over and over again. The question I needed to be asking was what does my spouse need and want? What can I do to make myself happy without needing them to fix it for me? I don't know or think that this will work for everyone or maybe even anyone, but it is starting to work for me....

One of those things...

Last night I managed to go for a walk with our pit bull. She is horrible on a leash and due to her massive strength, leash training has not happened yet. I decided it was time I leash train her or I would never be able to take her anywhere. The half hour I was out with her led me to ice my hand as soon as I returned home. Just before I had gone out, my husband had returned home from the field. He instantly climbed into bed and said he would talk to me if I went to bed early when I got home...

Arriving home and after prepping for bed, I climbed in beside my man and looked forward to a little chat. It didn't go that way. I brought up cable and all those other financial things and did my best to convince him they were luxuries and not necessities. He wouldn't have any of it and desperately held onto cable for football season. I wanted to pull my hair out. After we laid there quietly for a while, I asked him if he still thought I was fulfilling everything he wanted in a wife. He answered with the usual response: 'of course you do babe'. I gritted my teeth and prepared to bring up the other side of my emotional problems lately. I mentioned to him that he was not acting that way. Things progressed to the point of tears and the overall theme of the night was that my husband cannot bear to extend himself to complete something like purchase flowers, leave a good morning note, get up early enough for breakfast together, or anything else at all simply because his job in the military is taking so much out of him that there is nothing left for me. When I get super bitter about it all, I tend to notice things like he still has energy for my step daughter or video games or friends or beer or guns or anything that is his or that he loves.... just not me. It feels like we have been to this place too often over the last five or six months that I find myself for the first time in our marriage actually, and I mean genuinely, thinking about the "D" word. (divorce, for those of you who couldn't get that). I just don't want to spend my whole life this way. I am one hundred percent miserable and because I hid it for so long, my hubby still doesn't see anything about it as a big deal. Cue the nauseated feeling associated with trying to tell him about it. AGAIN.

It kills me to think about moving on in life without him though... I waited through a deployment for him. When have I waited long enough to have him back?

Alterations

Here I sit... I have made no progress on weight loss, no progress on homework this week, and I definitely have not made any progress on finding a job. I have two new interviews this coming week, but I cannot seem to get a second look from anyone. I am more than frustrated. The hubby has been in the field all week long and depression seems to be an ever lingering friend... kinda like a bad aftertaste and just when you think you have brushed your teeth and gotten rid of it, you burp, and dammit, there it is. 

I am exhausted of being exhausted. So this morning I Google "motivational quotes" and start reading. I tell you what! There is nothing like sitting down and reading that crap to guilt your behind into motion! So now I am sitting here making a list of everything I have yet to do as far as housework and homework go. I fell off the wagon and began smoking again two days ago, but now I am out once again and ready to charge on to the finish line. I am so tired of regretting my failures and being ashamed to be around people because I smell like smoke and look super heavy and eat really poorly. I think it is about time I feel proud of myself. 

There comes a time in every adult life where you realize that despite your opinion to the contrary, you have not grown up as much as you think you have. So among my lists of things I am going to tackle, I make spreadsheets of finances of what next hubby payday looks like. Things grow grimmer and darker with every pay period and bill cycle that passes while I cannot find work. When I last sat down with my husband, I suggested cutting out cable TV and using Netflix and Hulu plus alone. He was NOT amenable to this plan. My friends also often want to do activity after activity, the majority of which involve spending money and wasting our resources. It has now occurred to me that part of being a grown up is making the hard choices, sacrificing what we want to do for what we need to do... I am mentally preparing myself to have a sit down with my husband and to put my foot down on the cable and other issues. I am sure I will have one hell of a mouthful to follow that conversation! 

My mother used to have this saying she used whenever we didn't do something we were supposed to do or told to do. She would say: "If it is important enough to you, it will get done and be done right and on time. If you do not assign a task a level of importance, you will forget it and it will not get done". She was very right. We always devote ourselves to what we feel is important. So what does that say when we fight to keep things like cable TV, chocolate, and weight gaining activities on the agenda, but don't care to get up and go hiking, save money, quit smoking, and eat fresh healthy food. All of the things we don't fight for and don't do are the very things that will bless us with a long, healthy happy life.... somewhere along the line, priorities have seriously gotten out of balance. Time to do some alterations!

New Start.... Re-Do!!!

I sit here realizing that it has been just over two years since I have written on this. There have been plenty of issues and times that have arisen in that time period that I could have used a blog had I remembered it. My husband came home from Iraq, we moved from Billings to Helena, Montana, we purchased a new vehicle only to have me lose my job, I went from no friends to great friends, I went through heart ache, we have struggled with fertility issues like crazy, and my weight has ballooned. BUT... here I am now and I would like to use the mantra of better late than never but we all know that it is not genuinely always true. Therefore, I am adopting a new mantra that will go something like this: Who the freak cares when I started, you can't undo the past so I am working forward. (Obviously it is a fab work in progress and I will probably change it a million times!) Here goes a super short and sweet update on everything in the last two + years:

I finally enrolled in college over a year ago and am plowing towards my graduation date in 2015. I was the worst student in high school and so I am gritting my teeth as I am trying to find new ways to battle old bad habits. I know now why I was contemplating doing something that didn't involve school at 18!!! Jon (hubby) and I have had our fair share of heart ache. I suffered a miscarriage last year and since then I have had the most negative outlook on finally realizing our dream of starting our own family. His daughter continues to visit us every two weeks for two weeks at a time, but being five, she will start school in the city that her mom lives in this fall. I am seriously worried for my hubby's sanity at that point in time but I am hopeful that we can build our own world here in Helena as well.

Moving from Billings was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I was crushed by the horrid behavior of some of my inlaws as I was raised in a very loving home. So moving here was a saving grace for me. I THINK Jon feels the same way but the custody problems that arose from that were hard to handle. He now works active duty and is teaching others on Fort Harrison. For a time I had a position on Fort Harrison as a civilian working for a civilian contracting company but the boss lady was insane and I eventually lost my job... like I mentioned that came right after we bought our brand new 2013 Chevy Equinox. Yay.... one of those moments where you just curse at the "greater plan" over and over.

Now I am unemployed struggling through school work and hating it every time I step on the scale or look at myself in the mirror. My weight has ballooned to 220 pounds and that is super difficult for me to share with anyone as I cried buckets when it hit 200. For a five foot three gal, I wear the weight pretty well, but as I haven't yet managed to quit my smoking for more than a couple months at a whack, it is definitely time to make a change. I am hoping to chronicle all of these struggles for women who know exactly what it is like to need a solution for so many issues all at once. All I know is that I am ready for things that work for ME. Here I go!!!

I Want Children, Why?

Breath in and out, in and out... that's what I am telling myself as I stand over the top of my empty make-up bag and survey the make-up accessories and pieces all over my Auntie's bathroom. Her four year looks at me and says, "It wasn't me". Honestly I wanted laugh but I was so darn angry... She is one of those children that makes me feel like I am trying to train a hound dog of some kind. You know the type, stubborn beyond reason, extremely dramatic, and is incredibly destructive in a VERY short amount of time. I love her to death but my Aunt, Gram, and myself sped so much energy chasing her down, telling her to pick things up, and repeating ourselves about getting into things that are not hers that I want to scream REALLY loud at the top of my lungs until I'm blue in the face...
I am turning into my mother as far as parenting goes. I'm not even ashamed to admit it. My husband and I both parent very similarly and him being in the military makes for an orderly and obedient child. I was raised where children say "yes, ma'm" the moment they are spoken to, there is no dawdling once told to do something, you do it first and then ask questions, go to the bathroom, etc. If things are out of place in your room, they are thrown away. If you unfolded clothes in your dressar, every drawer was dumped out in your room and you had twenty minutes to refold and organize. If you told a lie, it was five spanks mandatory. If you were disrespectful, it was a spatula on your back side. Grounding meant no television, no friends, no phone calls, no toys, no going anywhere, except to school. And while you were at home, you were cleaning twenty four seven.
This makes for me being a strict parent. I don't do the screaming and bouncy kids. I don't do children that don't listen or that disrespect their parents. I don't people that refuse to spank their kids or make them obey or allow them to scream, even though they claim they are just letting them be kids and have fun. PuhLEASE!! You are a parent first, friend second. Who cares if they despise you as teenagers, most teenagers despise their parents. They will thank you later when they grow up to be civlized and productive members of society that value treating others with respect and know the importance of wrking hard for what they get. enough said!

Contemplation Hurts My Brain

Upon rising this morning, I discovered I did not receive a phone call from my hubby in Iraq as he had hoped to fit in. This is always a disappointment, so I promptly roll out of bed to say good morning to favorite Auntie. I find said Auntie who is about to color her hair, and she asks me to read over a sample of a legal document. This document makes me think about my gram who's health is of course, not too steady. I start to wonder what it must feel like to know the end is so close, to know that 72 years of your life have essentially flown by. I would be scared of course, to realize that everything I am familiar with was about to end, and that I was heading into the unknown. Of course, for those of us who believe, we all know where we are really heading at the end, but does that make saying goodbye to a lifetime of loves and memories any easier? Those of us who are not there discuss and plot ways to help people who are, accept the situation and their fate. Is it possible for us to really grasp what that feeling is like? We have not been there, and we would have to live an entire lifetime to reach the same point. At the same time, in my Gram's case, she has already lost the love of her life when he was called to his true home, and has been virtually miserable and depressed ever since. There are moments of laughter, but as the end nears, they grow fewer and farther between. Most young people would simply say, "how sad". I on the other hand immediately think about my husband. Having found the one person who holds all my love and half my heart and will until the day I die, I suddenly grow fearful. What must that feel like? To have the only person in the world who essentially is your other half, and then be forced to say goodbye. I cannot fathom, and it makes my chest grow tight and my breath shorten and my eyes burn. I cannot even begin to comprehend the pain of losing my husband, and thinking about it seems to send me into a dark hole. Putting it out of my mind, I return to thinking of my Gram. She is plagued with the heart ache I so vehemently fear, on a constant basis. Her entire room and most of the house is covered in pictures and mementos. Even when her four year grand daughter asks (as four year olds) do, if she will marry her, Gram gets this look and says, I'm already married.
What do the rest of us say to that. When behavior and attitude turn hostile and angry all the time, even to the four year old who was previously the only person exempt from Gram's anger, what do the rest of us do? There are so many dilemmas I face in my own life, and coming here and seeing this one, and seeing the change in my Gram over just the last four weeks in Fallbrook, I grow evermore worried. Pausing to listen to breathing patterns is not normal. My heart aches for my aunt who has done this and wondered this way and tiptoed like this for so long. Longer than anyone else involved. It's impossible to fully know the things she has put up with. It makes me think about my own mother. I can never picture her this way. I love her too much. My heart achingly goes out to all my Aunties and my Mommy. (yes I call her mommy) The heart does not let go of a lifetime of love without a fight. In Gram's case, I understand the hesitation to let go and the depression at being alone without your soul mate, but if living life is truly that miserable, I would welcome my heavenly Father's arms and house willingly. I would cheer the day I was once again re-united with my spouse. And I would be forever grateful to the family members who made my lonesome moments that much more bearable. It's not supposed to be easy to lose someone, but it is supposed to be a joyful occasion when someone returns to their rightful place with God.
Like I said, contemplation hurts my brain...

Starting a Blog?? Typical American....

I was once told by my mother to keep a junk journal in order to relieve myself of all the bad emotions and thoughts I would keep inside. The problem was, I am incapable of journaling in a consistent manner, or not re-reading the junk once it has been let go. Well a wonderful friend of mine recently wrote me a letter saying she had a blog and after reading it (and laughing myself silly the whole time), I decided that this was perhaps the smartest thing to do at this time. Who gives a crap if anyone actually "follows" it or even reads it, but since I am on Facebook once a day, I might as well make it a habit to get on here and 'blog' when I am on FB. Oh the joy, another silly American girl has joined the ranks of bloggers. The cyber world, the entire world for that matter, can now rejoice. Now begins the story and psycho babble of me: a 21 year old military wife who's husband is currently deployed, and who is currently jumping from family member to family member.
 Bless my Favorite Auntie A, who invited me here to help her with my Gram is who is deteriorating from Kidney Disease. Currently I am in Fallbrook, outside of Marine Base Camp Pendleton, where my Auntie A lives, and eagerly awaits the return of her husband, a Navy Corpsman, deployed with the infamous Boys of the 3/5. Truly... there is a BBC documentary about them. Let's just say that they have seen some crappy stuff, and are rougher and tougher than the best of them. Safe and speedy travels to all of them. Her husband is in Afghanistan and mine Iraq, and once when they both called at the same time to talk to us, it struck me quite funny that we were on the phone with two middle eastern countries at the very same time.
Being from Montana, I am a little bit out of my element here in the constant sun. I came from blow zero temps and snow storms to always sunny and smiling CA. What a wake-up call my pale skin suffered. In Montana I was kind of alone, okay very alone. One can only handle so many inlaws. I had moved away from my Hometown to be with my husband, and left all of my family behind. Shortly after I left, my mother and father moved to FT. Stewart where he is a second LT and just returned from Iraq. Yeah, this family likes 'em in a uniform. Being a Natinoal Guard wife was really not fun. There were absolutely no support groups for my husbands unit in our city, as he is based out of a city that is three and a half hours drive on a good day. The FRG was also located there which left me no options. I was absolutely not going to drive that far for a silly monthly coffee with the other wives and girlfriends. The monthly phone call to check on family morale from the ARNG has not come in two almost three months. So much for happy home, happy soldier. Long story short, inlaws left me in the cold as far as caring about how I was doing, and so at a fragile moment, when my gram's health looked very grim, my Auntie A called and requested my help. Having nothing to tie me to anywhere, I gladly uprooted and literally moved here in three days. I still have an apartment that I will need to fly home and pack and get rid of and a car I will need stored, but it's all worth it. Being where people actually care, and I'm not 100 percent alone is worth it. Being away from my best friend and the other half of my heart is not. I would trade anything to have him home again. The Army truly should follow the Marine Corps lead and drop deployments from one year to seven months. This year is going to be the longest of my life.