Last night I managed to go for a walk with our pit bull. She is horrible on a leash and due to her massive strength, leash training has not happened yet. I decided it was time I leash train her or I would never be able to take her anywhere. The half hour I was out with her led me to ice my hand as soon as I returned home. Just before I had gone out, my husband had returned home from the field. He instantly climbed into bed and said he would talk to me if I went to bed early when I got home...
Arriving home and after prepping for bed, I climbed in beside my man and looked forward to a little chat. It didn't go that way. I brought up cable and all those other financial things and did my best to convince him they were luxuries and not necessities. He wouldn't have any of it and desperately held onto cable for football season. I wanted to pull my hair out. After we laid there quietly for a while, I asked him if he still thought I was fulfilling everything he wanted in a wife. He answered with the usual response: 'of course you do babe'. I gritted my teeth and prepared to bring up the other side of my emotional problems lately. I mentioned to him that he was not acting that way. Things progressed to the point of tears and the overall theme of the night was that my husband cannot bear to extend himself to complete something like purchase flowers, leave a good morning note, get up early enough for breakfast together, or anything else at all simply because his job in the military is taking so much out of him that there is nothing left for me. When I get super bitter about it all, I tend to notice things like he still has energy for my step daughter or video games or friends or beer or guns or anything that is his or that he loves.... just not me. It feels like we have been to this place too often over the last five or six months that I find myself for the first time in our marriage actually, and I mean genuinely, thinking about the "D" word. (divorce, for those of you who couldn't get that). I just don't want to spend my whole life this way. I am one hundred percent miserable and because I hid it for so long, my hubby still doesn't see anything about it as a big deal. Cue the nauseated feeling associated with trying to tell him about it. AGAIN.
It kills me to think about moving on in life without him though... I waited through a deployment for him. When have I waited long enough to have him back?
